Throw me a life jacket!

I feel like I'm drowning in life.

Again.

I couldn't sleep last night because I was having mild anxiety attacks.

Again.

If I mess up on ONE thing - my mind spirals out of control and I start to dwell on EVERYTHING that's going wrong with my life.

I think I seriously need anxiety medication sometimes.

I got my article done...not on Friday though. I was late. Which is NEVER good in journalism. That's part of the job - meeting deadlines. And I don't know how they do it. I don't. Because I tried to get people to contact me back. It's nearly impossible sometimes!

I hate it.

The publications department is threatening to not give me my practicum credit if I don't make deadline.

Okay FIRST of all, I missed deadline ONCE. And yes, yes. It's part of my job and I HAVE to make deadline, but it was out of my control! Are they seriously implying that they've made every single deadline THEY were given???

SECONDLY, I didn't want to base my practicum credit on being a news reporter. I came in with the intentions of being a photojournalist. And somehow, I got pushed into being practically the ONLY newswriter they have! So now I'm doing both (but more writing than anything). I think I'm earning my keep just fine, thank you. I'm sure some students have earned their credits by simply putting a story or a photo in every issue. I've had BOTH. I've produced more than one thing per issue. I just don't see the justice in them threatening my practicum credit.

I'm angry.

And freaking out about life.

What's new?

Now I must report to the newsroom and be critiqued on my most recent atrocity.

Back to square one

So I didn't get the practicum with Knoxnews. Apparently they thought I was there for a full-blown paid internship and they don't do practicums over the summer. So...

I have to start looking somewhere else. I don't want to! I'm going to end up with some company where my "job" is to get coffee and file papers or something.

I'm not super excited about all aspects of journalism but I'd much rather do SOMETHING than nothing for 120 hours of my life!

Graduation day is in 11 days. Wow. All I know for sure at this moment in my life is that I have an editing class this summer. That's it.

And, of course, I'm having anxiety issues again. Heart rate going through the roof when I think about my future.

I don't know why I stress. I have my WHOLE LIFE to make something of myself. I just feel so behind when I see other go-getter journalism majors getting out there and doing what they love. They are the ones that are going to get hired instantly.

But I don't think that's me. I think that's why I'm not doing what they do. It's not what I want to do - at least not right now.

I'll eventually find MY job. But why get there so fast? Why the rush? I should enjoy life and ALL it has to offer.

I think by doing a variety of odd things and just moving about will provide me with more character. I don't feel like being pinned down right now, I guess. At least, not in the journalism world.

I love photography and I could take pictures all day, but what happens when I push it? When will too much be enough and I start to not appreciate the joys of photography? I don't want to get burned out on it.

Maybe it's some of these things. Maybe it's all of them. And then, maybe I'm just being a lazy 22 year old - and that's why I don't exactly know where I'm going in life.

But either way, I'll find that career.

Stress and anxiety are no fun.